Subject: Ravage
Line: So this is peanut butter.
Exercise: One hour.
Time: 0:46

Are you laughing at me? Because so help me, if you are –

I am not laughing at you, Laserbeak spoke over the private radio line that all of Soundwave’s cassettes shared, trying its best to maintain a façade of cool indifference as it perched on a tree limb over the little tableau below it.

The twins, on the other hand, had absolutely no problem and were leaning on one another, wheezing with laughter. “Awww, poor lil’ kitty-cat!”, Frenzy cooed, and both he and his brother went off into another fit.

Ravage, jaws working furiously despite every effort to keep them still, glared murderously at them. He ducked his head once again and frantically tried to paw at the inside of his muzzle, but the fraggingly pervasive substance might as well have had sentience, the way it refused to come off. He paced frantically, chewing and chewing and chewing and chewing, growling and snarling.

It was meant to be a simple snatch-and-run – the kidnapping of a top American physicist’s family, or at least any one of its members. Humans could form unexpectedly close-knit ties with unrelated members of the species: wives, husbands, offspring and the such. Any one of them that the cassettes could secure would likely guarantee the human’s cooperation, which is what mattered. So, in true and tried fashion, Ravage had charged through the flimsy front door of the residential structure, intent on securing a hostage and stampeding any other organics in residence so that they could be picked off by the two sets of twins waiting outside. The stampeding part had gone off without a hitch.

But the female he’d targeted had been armed with what he was beginning to think was a biological weapon of heretofore unknown power. She hadn’t thrown knives, she hadn’t thrown plates (he’d had that happen a couple of times); instead she’d picked up the plastic container in her hands and chucked it directly at the feline, who’d automatically snatched it from mid-air. Unfortunately, he’d not expected the thing to be as flimsy as it was, and had crushed it, spilling the substance within it.

Which was not budging.

Ravage rubbed first one side of his muzzle and then the other against the ground, chewing frantically as much out of desperation as because he couldn’t help himself. The stuff was oozing past the seams of his muzzle and inching its way along delicate circuitry, and some sort of self-preservation subroutine was getting triggered that made his jaws work furiously whether he wanted them to or not.

Stop that!, Laserbeak gave him a jaundiced glare from its perch

I. CAN’T!, he tried to snarl at the raptor, but vocalizing through the unceasing chewing was absolutely impossible.

The raptor twitched, peering at him with first one optic, then another, before turning to look at the laughing heap of twins on the other side of the clearing. Further away Buzzsaw was keeping an eye on the hostages they’d secured (not thanks to Ravage).  We need to report this.

NO! Ravage clawed at his muzzle. No, anything but that. Anything but slinking back to the rank and file in this condition. He’d never hear the end of it; they’d laugh at him until space collapsed in on itself.

You do realize this could be some sort of biochemical attack?, it tried to reason with the feline.

“Bio –” Rumble had just been picking himself up and he fell back to a sitting position, howling with amusement, at that.

Frenzy stood shakily up and patted Ravage on the flank with a huge, wicked grin. At any other time, he knew, the gesture would have cost him a limb (probably more, unless he’d moved very fast), but Ravage was so busy chew-chew-chewing he could only slink away, tail lashing and optics narrowed in a glare that promised murder. “Aw, it’s nothing, Laserbeak.” He grabbed the feline by an ear and dipped a finger into those otherwise deadly jaws. Ravage darted away again with a furious squeal, pawing at his muzzle, jaws working like overheating pistons. “It’s just peanut butter.”

Peanut butter?, the raptor asked blankly.

I don’t care what it is, get it off me!

“What?”, Frenzy shrugged, arms open, the very picture of placidity. “Dogs are supposed to like it.”

Ravage howled and threw himself at the twin; they rolled away in a ball. Laserbeak, watching this with the kind of resignation only millennia of being subjected to the same events could provide, turned and flew off. I’m calling Soundwave.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

“Ravage. Cease.”

The feline, sitting before the Decepticon Comm. Officer with what little patience he could muster, repeated himself past his aching, unceasingly moving jaws. I told you, I can’t!

Soundwave, down on one knee before his cassette, reached out with one massive hand and pinned Ravage’s head, while with the other he caught hold of the lower jaw. The feline tensed immediately, but managed to keep from bolting. Even so, both of them were distinctly aware that the jaw servos were fighting Soundwave’s grip. Even more surprising to the tall blue mech, they were doing so blithely ignoring Ravage’s commands to stop doing so. He dipped a finger in between the razor-sharp teeth and pulled it out covered in well-churned paste.

So this is peanut butter. He stared at the stuff even as Ravage went into another fit of chewing and rubbing against the turf. Somewhere behind him the twins were doing their level best not to start laughing again, but they were not succeeding very well. Laserbeak was perched above them, and Soundwave was mildly grateful that at least one of them had had the common sense to summon him. “Ravage –”

WHAT? The cassettes all started at that unexpected outburst. Soundwave merely approached the feline again and, before Ravage could react, pinned him down under an implacable grip; with his free hand he ripped off a small chunk of grass and dirt, forced the cassette’s jaws open and stuffed it between the flashing teeth before letting go. Ravage choked and strangled, chewing so fast his muzzle was nearly a blur before suddenly freezing in surprise when he realized something had changed. What did you do?

Soundwave moved off to the side, still kneeling next to his cassette as Ravage stood up, his jaws finally slowing down as clumps of dirt and peanut butter dropped off. “Experiment”, he replied simply. The stuff was awfully sticky, yes – the problem had been that it had nothing else to stick to but Ravage’s teeth. “Continue.”

With a groan, Ravage tore off another mouthful of dirt and chewed, chewed and chewed some more. His servos hurt so badly he didn’t even want to think about them. But as the grit and dirt worked its way into the same nooks and crannies the confounded human stuff had invaded, it bonded to it in some unfathomable fashion that (finally!) allowed him to spit it out, however inelegant he might look at it.

“Awww.” Rumble and Frenzy looked distinctly disappointed at this sudden end to their fun.

I have not forgotten you two. Ravage said calmly, blackly over the line.

“And I have pictures!”, Rumble replied smugly, quickly quelling the mild look of panic that had begun to appear over his twin’s face.

Ravage glared at him. You wouldn’t dare.

“Oh yeah?”

Soundwave stood up. “Rumble, Frenzy, Laserbeak. Assist Buzzsaw in hostage retrieval.” He watched the other cassettes wander off and turned one last time to Ravage, who stared up at him. “Ravage. Status.”

Murderous, the feline replied, jaws still occasionally twitching as if he were trying to reach for one of his ears to chew on.

“Maintenance protocols will be scheduled upon return to base.”

Ravage’s ears went very flat. That’s not necessary.

“I disagree.”

I really don’t need –

“Ravage. You will comply.” Soundwave turned away and walked off in the wake of his cassettes.

The feline ducked his head, optics flashing, and followed. Great. Perfect ending to a perfect day. Slagging organics and their slagging organic products. He spat another clump of peanut butter-laced dirt and followed his master.